The Emotional Battle

It's raining this morning in Los Angeles. It feels cold, very unlike LA. I woke up this morning in dower spirits. Perhaps it's the gloominess of the day, perhaps it's all the TV coverage of Heath Ledgers death (makes you think about your own mortality), or perhaps it's the head cold I just can't seem to get rid of. Whatever the reason, it's an emotionally gloomy day.
I was watching an interview that Heath gave where he spoke about death after the birth of his daughter. He said that he was now ready to die because he knew that he'd live on in his daughter. But at the same time, he didn't want to die because he would want to live for the rest of her life. It made me think about my own legacy. How would I live on if there is no child of my own to follow me? Is that a legitimate question to ask yourself? Would my memory live on if I don't have a child to carry on my DNA? I know I have other family that would remember me. I know that I have friends who would think of me fondly. I haven't been a bad person. I believe when my name is mentioned, it would be in a positive light.
However, I haven't made any important scientific discovery, nor have I won an Oscar or Grammy award, I haven't written a famous novel that will be read by millions for years to come. So what have I contributed to society? What will I leave behind that will let the world know that I was here....?

Too Young to Die.

How tragic when a young man, a young father, with so much promise dies. When I heard the news about Heath Ledger yesterday I was momentarily at a lose for words. I was saddened because I thought he was incredibly talented, but I was equally saddened because he had so much to look for in life. I have read often about his problems with drugs but having a baby will make some take charge of their demons and look brightly at the future. Regardless of what the tabloids insinuate about the cause of his death, I will choose to believe his family, who knew him best, that it was an accident and ultimately a tragedy. A tragedy that a family has lost a son, a woman has lost her love and a child has lost her daddy. Rest in peace, Heath.

The Baby Boom in Hollywood

I feel like everyone is pregnant EXCEPT me. I look around and I see women after women proudly displaying their baby bumps. I can't blame them. I'd do the same.

Then there is Hollywood and what all these celebrity journalist call "the baby boom." Yeah, it does seem like everyone is pregnant in Hollywood; Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Nicole Ritchie (just had the baby), Jennifer Lopez, etc. I'm happy for them. Really. Especially Nicole Kidman because I believe she had several miscarriages in the past. But I can't help but be jealous. Their lives appear to be so perfect; money, fame, beauty and now a baby. For some of these fortunate women, I can see their real joy. For some, having a child meant more to them than a fad or a photo opportunity. Some like, Jennifer Lopez had been trying for some time and underwent infertility treatments. I'm genuinely happy for them.

However, I can't help but feel that some of these celebrity moms don't deserve their children. Obviously I am referring to Britney Spears. It makes me mad when I turn on the TV and see this spoiled brat parading around in her Benz with these male leeches while her two beautiful baby boys are being raised by nannies and K-Fed. I ask the Lord everyday, why her, why does she get to have children and I'm still childless? It doesn't seem fair.

I'm Tired of People Asking

I'm so tired of people asking me about children...NO I DON'T HAVE ANY YET! I'm equally tired of the reply..."No, but we are trying." Yeah, we are trying. We've been trying for years! But I can't say that. I want to say that. I want to yell, "WE'VE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS AND NOTHING YET...AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! We've had the tests. The results, there appears to be nothing wrong with either of us. Then why can't we get pregnant? They don't have any answers.

Oh, don't think we've haven't heard it all. The best answer came from this jerk doctor who said, and I quote, "You just might have old eggs." Yeah, you read correctly. This idiot actually said that to my face as I sat there practically in tears. I called him Seinfeld because he also like to make jokes during our appointment. Needless to say, we left.

Another doctor's said to me that they can't quite pinpoint the problem because it's probably something that medical science just hasn't been able to detect yet. WHAT?

But the best is "it just isn't happening." WELL THANKS FOR THE INFO DR. KNOW IT ALL!

Sort of obvious, don't you think? And then I had to pay him $325 for the consultation!

I know I'm not the only frustrated "unexplained infertility" woman out there. The worst part about the entire thing is that I HAVE been pregnant before; once when I was too young and then about 6 years ago when I miscarried. That's why I can't stand the questions and the stupid answers I get from the doctors. I can't stand when they say "there appears to be nothing wrong with you." Deep down in my heart I know there's got to be an answer and there will be a solution.